he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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