So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
