please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just took my morning after pill in the library
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
