I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
