I've blown a few things in my day
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
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