just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
