I just pynch a tree in the face
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
