I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
