The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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