don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
