I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
