just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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