I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
