i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
