You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
