I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
