remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
