Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
