Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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