just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
