My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
