i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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