I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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