Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
