TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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