I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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