I murdered the dance floor call the cops
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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