it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He shit in the fireplace
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
