Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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