I think i sorta joined a cult last night
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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