dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
