I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
