ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
