I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
