This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
