The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Found the puke drawer
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
