note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
