i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
We have started to decorate penises.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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