im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
So squirting runs in the family.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
