I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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