There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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