I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
