So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
