He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
