I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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