the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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