I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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