im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
