I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
