Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
