Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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