I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Randomize
